I got off to a bad start with tandem surfing. At the 1969 US Championships, I saw big hairy-shouldered old guys twirling doll-sized partners overhead while riding whitewater on huge boards seemingly made from raw timber, girders, and rivets. I was nine. Too young to be aroused by the weirdly public sexual display of splay-limbed back-arched dripping-wet young females. Mostly just resentful that my worshiping of David, Brad and Gerry had been interrupted.

It's 45-plus years later, and I’ve still not come around. Straight-talking surf legend Mike Doyle once said he liked tandem because “it was a good excuse to get away from the chest-pounding guys and go play with the girls for a while,” and for a moment or two I wondered if maybe there wasn’t something there after all. But no. The beauty of tandem, for me, has all the depth of a Chris Lassen acrylic seascape. The athleticism—sure, I get that. Tandem is hard. But many physical things are. Jogging up a muddy hillside while pressing a 50-inch flat-screen TV overhead is hard. I will be impressed if you can do it, but not that impressed. 

Wait, though. Is that a whiff of sour grapes? As a once-and-future 98-pound weakling, is my view on tandem surfing determined by my inability to actually do it?

But again, no. Grant me Mike Doyle-level girth and brawn, and I’d still give tandem surfing a pass. The only really interesting thing about tandem, for me, is whether or not this is the kind of misogyny I can laugh at. Watch the video. Girls held up like trophies. Girls getting tossed overboard like sacks of grain. Tandem surfing is located at the very opposite end of the block from female empowerment. But you’re laughing, right? I’m laughing. Is that okay? If three-time longboard world champ and steel-chinned LGBTQ feminist Cori Schumacher was here right now, watching this clip, would she give a sad little shake of the head but laugh along with me? Or would she slap my head and make me sign a petition of some kind?

TANDEM SURFING. IS IT OKAY TO LAUGH?

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