"My Dark Past," Derek Rielly's interview with Matt Hoy, ran in the December 2010 issue of Stab. Hoy was 39.

I could name a hundred things. Actually, you know what? I’m not ashamed of that much at all. I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe my man-boobs. That’s why I’m always in a T-shirt. I think it’s a genetic thing. I’m nearly 40, so everyone’s getting 'em at my age. They’re a dime a dozen. But I’m not ashamed of anything I've done.

What is the most embarrassed you’ve ever been?

In a heat at Pipe. I can’t remember who I was against, but we were both sitting on the shoulder groveling. I didn’t have a good go. Shaun Briley, who’s a mate, wasn’t in the heat but paddled out, straight inside both of us and out the back, straight into a set. When he pulled off he went, “That’s how you catch a fuckin' wave!” I was so embarrassed.

Last Friday night, with Andrew Johns (ex-Newcastle Knights player and longtime friend of Hoy’s), at his house. You don’t remember the one before that, do you? You only remember the last time. The drunkest I’ve ever been? I don't know, but that was the last time I was that drunk. We just went to his house and got drunk. We did nothing. Just sat around and talked shit, getting drunk. So yeah, less than a week ago.

Selling my first house in Merewether. I wish I didn’t sell that. Fuck! What did I do that for? I liked everything about that place. It was my first. It’s like your first root, it’s special. I was 21 when I bought it, too. I moved straight outta mum’s house into it. It’s the longest I’ve lived anywhere. Ten years I lived there. It was a special spot. I had hell times and bad times there. I couldn’t really afford it, but I was on the tour and making heaps of money, y'know? We used to sit in the front sunroom watching the world go by. Nine o’clock in the morning and three o’clock in the arvo, watching the school mums picking their kids up from the school opposite the house.

What was your most horrific sexual performance?

On the Gold Coast. I got stuck in the bathroom. The girls were in the bedroom, I was 17 and on acid. I said, “I’ll just go to the bathroom" and I just got stuck in there, my head exploding, hanging on to both walls going “Fuck! What am I doing here?” I think I came out and ran.

What is the craziest thing you've ever seen?

The Grafton bus accident. [On the mid-north coast of Australia in 1989, a truck driver, under the influence of ephedrine, veered into oncoming traffic and collided with a passenger bus, killing 20 people). I was, like, five cars after it. A guy in the car with us, my friend, was a policeman and he went up there to help sort it out. When I walked up, he just went, “Get the fuck outta here." I’ll never forget it. I remember walking up there and it was the eeriest feeling ever, dead quiet except for people moaning. It was fucked. Rest in peace.

What is the most surreal thing you've experienced?

Winning the Portugal contest in 1997. There were 20,000 people there. They’d been out at a rave all night and they came over to see the contest afterward and were all off their heads. I was the new entertainment. I'd just been in London for two weeks and hadn’t surfed, but I won the contest anyway, then you’ve got these all these people from the rave coming over to watch me on the podium. They didn’t even see any surfing, they just saw the podium and thought it was another rave. They were dancing and everything. They were all fucked up, going nuts. I thought I was a rock star. I threw my shirt out at ’em! That was surreal.

I don’t yank. The Mercedes Hotel in Hossegor, September 1999. No one believes it, but that was the last time I did it. And that was my favorite place.

What is something people don’t know about you?

I actually don’t drink that much and I don’t do many drugs, contrary to what everyone says. I don’t drink every day, I’m not an alcoholic. I’m a social drinker. I like to have a good time.

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